Is This What Success Feels Like?
As I write this, I’m just back to Valencia from a U.S. Who Knows One? tour of seven shows in six states in 11 days. This is the biggest tour I’ve done so far in every way — the most shows, the most places, the longest I’ve been away from my family. Oh and, not for nothing, but I did all the planning for it myself, which was by far the scariest part as details are often not my friends.
It’s been a whirlwind, it’s been a challenge, but more than that, it’s been a success. An out and out, no-bones-about-it success. I feel weird even typing those words, and I’ve been sitting here thinking about why that is. It’s in my nature to be self-deprecating, and I’ve always felt it was important not to take myself too seriously. Those are useful traits, it’s good to be humble after all, but I also think it’s limited my ability in the past to envision success — like who am I to think I could do something big or useful.
There’s a lot of self-doubt in there — a doubt of my ability to see things through, a doubt of my ability to do the work required.
In my previous professional life, this bore itself out repeatedly. I was having a conversation with my friend Kim (my co-host on The Cocoon Podcast, perhaps coming back for Season Two sometime soon?) recently about speaking engagements, as we are both getting more into that space* and trying to figure out what different industries/organizations pay, and how to negotiate and value ourselves.
*Quick shout out to Daron Roberts, who writes a weekly newsletter on the topic called Monetize Your Message that has been a terrific resource.
In our chat, I mentioned that in my 20 years of corporate work, I never once asked for a raise. Why didn’t I? Because I never felt like I deserved one*. I don’t think I ever felt like I had a true sense of how I was doing at most of my jobs. I don’t recall any bad reviews**, but I also know how I spent my time, and while I worked a lot I also fucked around a lot, surfing the internet and fiddling with my fantasy teams.
* That’s not exactly true. I did feel like I deserved it one time and would have asked for it if given the opportunity, but I got fired/restructured before I ever had the chance. Ironic.
**Also not exactly true, but I don’t count the one I got from my psycho boss at the Hawks who reprimanded me for taking time off to go tape an episode of Sports Jeopardy. Apparently I “really let my teammates down” by doing that.
Now, as I complete this tour, I am feeling a sense of confidence I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to feel many times before. I keep waiting for something to go wrong, for the show (and by extension, myself) to fail to live up to expectations, but on this tour there was no evidence. The feedback I got was positive, the clients thrilled. In the past (even with the live show) I’ve looked for reasons to doubt their sincerity, but this time it rang true. The shows were unanimously great and the audiences loved them.
I’m a huge sports fan, and one thing that always amazes me about high-level professional athletes is their immense sense of self-confidence. It might seem sometimes like braggadocio, but it is critical to their success. They have to think they are the best at what they do or they will hesitate, and in a game of inches and milliseconds, hesitation will destroy you.
I remember one time with the Hawks we had a rookie first-round pick who struggled his first season adjusting to the NBA game.
I ran the team’s digital channels, and so I got to do fun stuff like travel with them during the playoffs. One night (spoiler alert — name drop coming) I was on the team plane and sitting next to Dominique Wilkins, who was telling me that this player had come to him at one point in the season asking if he thought he had what it took to play in the league. Nique’s point of view was that if you were even asking the question, you were in trouble. The player bounced around the league for a few years, but never found his footing. I always thought about that conversation. I think I’ve often lacked that kind of confidence when it came to the workplace, second-guessing myself and my decisions.
This experience, with Who Knows One? in general and with the live show in particular, has been different. I’ve followed my instincts, taken the opportunity to experiment and be creative, and have seen those decisions pay off how I wanted them to. I am in complete control of my instrument and feel myself growing stronger with each performance.
Now, as I return home from this beast of a tour (and it was a beast), I am experiencing a sense of confidence and purpose. What I am doing works. It does more than that, it crushes. And for once I’m not looking to find ways to diminish this feeling, despite how unfamiliar it is to me.
This is important, not just psychologically, but also because I am starting to expand out of my familiar little Jewish bubble and into the corporate world. Many of the principles will be the same, but by necessity some individual elements will have to change*, and I want to keep that same level of confidence as I explore new territory.
*I am not sure “Hey, Jew Know This Person” works for a conference of finance managers**.
**Yes, I thought of that joke too.
For most of the past three years I’ve felt an existential question hanging over my head about the shelf life of Who Knows One? — if you listened to the Cocoon Podcast at all you heard me blab about it every episode. As I make my way home (to Spain!), I may still not know exactly where it’s headed, but I am no longer worried about the viability of my product. I may worry about the marketing of it, or the logistics of how to make it work given where I now live (in Spain!), but the concern of having to return imminently to some version of my former professional life did not make the trip over the Atlantic with me.
Thank goodness. I’d hate to let my teammates down again via yet another game show.
